i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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