where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
