My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
