When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
