My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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