I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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