I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
