The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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