Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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