I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
