do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
