Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
