yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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