Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
