ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
