that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm like, not good at living.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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