I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.