I will die if light touches me.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
