I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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