How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
