i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
