did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
