nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
50% drunk capacity currently
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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