Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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