I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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