don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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