god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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