even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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