So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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