You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
