and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
