Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
