my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
That's when you crack a 10am beer
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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