She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
