What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
