sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
