And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
it was like eating out sand paper
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
