Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
