my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
