the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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