He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
