My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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