Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
