Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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