i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
