Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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