I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
