and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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