rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
