i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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