Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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