I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
They took my balls.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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