i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
It's Friday. Sex?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
