mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
