you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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